BRENDAN COX and KATIE AMESS: 'The pain of murder is with us every day but our country can come back together'

We are members of a club that no one wants to be a part of. Least of all, us. Those we loved most dearly have been taken from us in the most brutal of ways. In Brendan’s case his wife, and the mother of their two children was shot and stabbed to death in a street by a far-right extremist. And in Katie’s case, her dad was stabbed to death by an Islamist extremist in a church. The pain of these killings remains with us every single day, it colours our existence. Not just at big family moments or special occasions but in numerous subtle ways, the food they used to cook, the sound of their laughter, their very physical presence all gone from our lives. Many of you who have suffered sudden loss will know how that feels. The passage of time does not diminish the loss. It simply changes the way you carry it. Of course, in our case that pain wasn’t just personal. It was very public. Because beyond our shared loss the most obvious thing we have in common is that both of our loved ones were serving members of parliament when they were killed. One represented Labour, the other Conservative, but more important than any party allegiance, they served our country and the communities they loved deeply. Jo and David came from different political traditions, but they shared a belief in public service, in engaging with people who disagreed with them and in bringing communities together. At a time when public debate can feel increasingly angry and divided, those values matter more than ever. The attack on our loved ones was an attack not just on them, but on our democracy. When someone you love is murdered in an act of extremism, the impact reaches far beyond your own family. It affects communities, public life and our confidence in the values that hold us together. And that gives us and our families a particular desire to protect our democratic way of life from those who want to attack or subvert it. Remembering Jo and my David is important. But remembrance alone is not enough. We must also be willing to learn. Democracies honour those they lose not only through tributes and anniversaries, but by having the courage to examine what happened, ask difficult questions and act on the answers so that there is no repeat. When we lost our loved ones we hoped that the country would learn from what happened. That there would be an understanding that democracy isn’t an event – but a living thing, embodied by committed individuals and dependent on public support and engagement. That we need to nurture and protect it, not just assume it will look after itself. We worry that we have forgotten that lesson. Of course such an approach requires action against extremists - like the ones who killed our loved ones. But it goes much broader than that. Our politicians have a key role to play. In leading in a way that seeks to bring communities together rather than driving them apart, that stops us breaking into opposing groups but tries to find reconciliation and agreement. We think our loved ones – from very different perspectives – had that in common. That approach must not mean avoiding difficult issues or brushing them under the carpet. In fact, that only makes those issues harder and more toxic. Politicians have a responsibility to deal with the difficult issues not just the easy ones. But in debating and discussing those issues they must take their responsibility seriously – including to those they may disagree with. But while politicians have a role to play – we all know that we can’t leave it to them. It’s too important for that. They will ultimately take their lead from all of us. Of course, that is partly about us all voting – but even more important is the culture that underlies our democracy. How we talk to each other. The care we show to neighbours. The way we talk to people even when we disagree with them. There are lots of ways to do that in our personal lives, but if you want to do something beyond that you could take five minutes to take part in The National Conversation – the first-ever attempt to genuinely crowdsource a shared vision from the public about the kind of communities and country we want to live it. This has to be based on what the public think. So please have your say on the country you want to see. If you have more time, next weekend is the Great Get Together with hundreds of community events right around the country organised by the Jo Cox Foundation – these can be big or small, long planned or cobbled together last minute. And finally – we’re excited that the Mirror with the Express is planning to connect people across the country this autumn as part of its biggest ever ‘Britain Talks’ campaign. This will bring people together who don’t agree to have civil conversations to find out what they can find in common. You can sign up here. Of course these are all simple steps, but we genuinely believe that it’s small steps that matter. And voices like yours that count. Join the National Conversation Sign up for Britain Talks here