'I thought I wanted to murder my mum, but it was actually OCD'

'I thought I wanted to murder my mum, but it was actually OCD' WARNING: DISTRESSING CONTENT. EXCLUSIVE: Graeme Currie was just a teenager when he started suffering intrusive thoughts of harm and violence caused by a harrowing subtype of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Graeme Currie was getting ready for an after-school club when he suddenly got the urge to strangle his mum. His happy-go-lucky world was changed forever when he was overcome by thoughts - seemingly from nowhere - that he wanted to hurt his own mother. Graeme told the Mirror: "I remember it all started when I was around the age of 16, 17, I was getting ready to go to an after-school club, then all of a sudden I got these horrible thoughts of hurting my mum by strangulation." This was a "very scary time" for Graeme, now 37, who lives with Harm OCD, an often distressing subtype of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) whereby a person suffers from intrusive thoughts, urges, or mental images of harming themselves and other people. Ever since that day, Graeme has been tormented by "thoughts which feel like urges to harm people". Horrifyingly, some of the intrusive thoughts Graeme has to deal with are of a sexual nature, including "thoughts of doing bad things to children or family members." Graeme said, "It was usually something very bad the thoughts were telling me to do." Considering the scariest time he's had to navigate with his Harm OCD, Graeme recalled getting the urge to push his mum off a bridge. "There were a couple of times we were walking along the bridge, and my mind was telling me to push my mum over the wall into the water. "I just imagine myself acting on these thoughts, for some reason, that one seemed quite a strong thought. Another time, I remember getting this horrible thought to pick up a child and throw them over a wall, a large drop to the bottom. I knew how silly these thoughts were." The freelance writer told of how his thoughts can be triggered just by the sight of a potential weapon. "I remember getting the thoughts of hurting someone with a kitchen knife; those kitchen knives do scare me a bit," he said. Then there was the time Graeme, from East Kilbride in Scotland, spotted a hammer at the back of the campervan while on holiday, and got "urges as if I was going to hurt someone with the hammer." "I must have been watching some murder shows beforehand," he said of the alarming compulsion. According to Graeme, news stories involving so-called one-punch killings are particularly terrifying. He explained, "I kept thinking that's an easy thing to do. The easier a thought is to act up on, the scarier it is for me." Almost every single day, Graeme fears he might hurt himself or others and has to constantly look around his environment to make sure there is nothing to hand which could be used as a makeshift weapon. "I sometimes notice there are scissors next to me, and sometimes I would move those scissors away so that I couldn't reach them. I think I have been getting better as I have not been moving away from the objects on the pouffe and footstool. "I usually test myself by holding a weapon such as a knife, but I still feel very uncomfortable holding a knife, especially. I used to fear hammers really badly, but I feel that sort of switched over to knives." While Graeme used to volunteer at a hospital shop, he has been forced to scale back his commitments because of the intrusive thoughts. Last October, statistics from an NHS England survery revealed that cases of OCD among 16-24 year olds in England has tripled in more than a decade. The data showed that the condition is now the second most widespread mental health disorder for young adults. The rise is believed to be in part due to increased awareness enabling sufferers to get help, and the 'pressure' facing young people from social media. Leigh Wallbank, chief executive of charity OCD Action, told the BBC: "They're facing financial issues, educational issues, global issues - the environment is such a big issue. I think of them living in this pressure pot, and then underneath that, giving heat to this pressure pot, is social media." Trauma specialist, Zoë Clews, has years of experience working with people with OCD, including Harm OCD, and explains that sufferers are by no means violent by nature, and that the thoughts often target the things they love the most. For example, a new parent with Harm OCD may have terrible intrusive thoughts about hurting their own baby - completely at odds with their real desire to love and protect. This inner turmoil leads to immense shame, says Zoe. "The difference between someone with harm OCD and someone who would act on that is about anxiety and desire. So the person who wants to strangle someone, push someone out of a window, hurt somebody with a knife, there's a desire, and there's a rage, a desire to do that thing. "They'll be motivated by rage. They won't have anxiety about it. They'll just be a compulsion and a desire to do it. The person with harm OCD will have extreme anxiety at the thought that they could do it. They're not going to do it. The people with harm OCD never do a thing, but they are very scared of the thought. "The person with Harm OCD has terror and anxiety, and the sociopath, psychopath or a very violent abuser, they have a desire and a rage to do that." For the sufferer, the mental health toll can be profound. "One of the problems is that people feel very ashamed of their thoughts because they think it's something that they may act on, 'If I wasn't going to act on it or I wasn't thinking about doing this thing, why would I be thinking about it?' But that's the nature of OCD, it lies to you," Zoe adds. "I might see somebody who has OCD for washing their hands, and their OCD will tell them they need to wash them for the 200th time, even though their hands are bleeding because they've washed them so many times. For the person with harm OCD, it will tell them, 'you're going to shove this person onto the tube track', and obviously, they never do." Day to day, Graeme attempts to manage his condition by keeping his mind distracted through "searching for knowledge on the internet and playing video games". Space, he advises those who have loved ones with OCD, can be very important for individuals who might feel "overwhelmed". When heading to the shops with his mum, Graeme will prepare himself for the thoughts he knows will arise once he steps outside. He revealed: "I like to feel as if I have control over the thoughts." Graeme attempts to keep his stress levels lower, and says that sleep can help him feel much better and more "able to tackle the thoughts". He also takes medication, Clomipramine, to calm his thoughts, and has undergone Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). Sadly, not everyone fully understands what Graeme endures on a daily basis, and he's been dismayed by the reactions of those who simply don't grasp just how devastating this condition can be. He's saddened to hear certain MPs discuss mental health conditions in a dismissive or trivialising manner, and strongly disagrees with the assertion that "it's just an anxiety condition which you can just pull yourself together." He remarked: "I don't like that sort of approach; I find it very unhelpful, and to me, this does feel very debilitating." Part of the issue here is that, from the outside, a person with Harm OCD may appear to be perfectly fine, all while dealing with an intense inner battle. At times, even family members have been left a "bit confused", which Graeme finds completely understandable. Offering an insight into what these "horrible" thoughts actually feel like, Graeme said that such intrusions can crop up when he's at his happiest, with his brain always "searching for something for [him] to worry about." "I usually mention to my mum that I'm not feeling that great, I got a few intrusive thoughts, it sometimes takes the enjoyment out of things, as you could be at your happiest and boom the OCD kicks in," he says. "Sometimes I picture myself acting on the thoughts and causing harm to a family member or to someone else. I imagine them screaming or making noises, and I remember. "A good way to describe it is thinking of an injured dog, and the dog is yelping, wanting help, and in a lot of pain. It always seems to make you think of the most horrible thoughts possible, like what is the worst thing you can do to someone?" For emotional support you can call the Samaritans 24-hour helpline on 116 123, email [email protected], visit a Samaritans branch in person or go to the Samaritans website. Do you have a story to share? Email me at [email protected]