Empty nesters on how they 'fill the void' left by children

Empty nesters on how they 'fill the void' left by children Wed 15 Jul 2026 at 12:01pm When in the trenches of motherhood, your child's journey towards adulthood can at times feel slow and exhausting. So, when they grow up and decide to leave the nest, it should feel like a victory, because you raised them right … right? But the experience of becoming an empty nester and recalibrating who you are without your kids can be confronting. Yumi Stynes, host of ABC podcast Ladies, We Need to Talk, sat down with women to hear about the paradox of grieving your kids leaving home after you've spent years teaching them how to be independent and head out into the world. 'I never wanted my kids to leave home in a hurry' For years, Felice Borghmans and her two adult sons lived together in their family share house in Melbourne/Naarm's outer suburbs. The relationships changed from mother-son to friend and companion as they got further into their 20s. "They've got a wicked sense of humour," she says. "As they got older, [there were] serious conversations about what was going on in their lives, we'd go for long walks and it didn't really matter what they were saying, it was just they were there." The young men were also "very independent, getting their own groceries, making their own way into town". There was a time when the 64-year-old medical researcher thought having her boys at home would never end, especially with her eldest son. "He and I are very close and he would say, 'I'm going to live with you forever'," she says. "I'm like, 'you could stay as long as you like'. "I was never somebody who wanted my kids to leave home in a hurry." When Felice's eldest was 27, he started a relationship and "within a couple of weeks" had moved out. While that was a shock, she says the real hit came the following year when her other son also flew the nest. "The house is empty and so physically it felt heavy," Felice says. "I was just like, 'how am I going to fill this void?' "My colleagues would come up to me at work and say, 'hey, how's it going?' "I just waved them away and would say, 'please don't ask' and I'd start crying." 'It was like I'd had an arm severed' When mother-of-one Janet Evans received news of her 21-year-old son's engagement, she was thrilled. He was still living at home at the time. It was the start of the COVID pandemic, and the rules about how many people could gather for a wedding were quickly changing. So Janet suggested they get married the very next day. "It was joyful and fantastic, but immediately afterwards [when he moved out] it was just so painful," says the copywriter and author from Sydney, on Gadigal lands. "There were just reminders of him everywhere; it was like … just looking around going, 'he'll never be here again'." Janet says she was surprised when her feelings of grief lingered for a long time. "I was completely shocked by my own reaction; my husband seemed fine. "It was like I'd had an arm severed or something; it was just so painful." She says the experience was made worse by a feeling that no-one seemed to talk about the pain of empty nesting, "which was strange because when you first have a child, there's so much information". 'A great sense of emptiness' Victoria Miller, a clinical psychologist in eastern Melbourne/Naarm, says mothers typically having the more significant caretaking role can make it a shock when children leave home. "A lot of our identity is then wrapped up in that role," Dr Miller says. "So, when that is removed, it can leave a great sense of emptiness." Dr Miller says it's important to acknowledge the depth of feeling. "We often underestimate just how hard hitting loss can be. "Grief affects every system in our body, it affects our brains, our immune system, it affects our nervous system" Dr Miller believes Western culture isn't as good as other cultures at helping families stay connected and keep traditions alive after children leave home. The transition from family unit back to a couple can also lay bare issues in romantic relationships, she says. "It can put a lot of pressure in terms of communicating intimacy, understanding one another, knowing what each other likes. "And it can be really hard for couples to find one another again." Finding something get 'excited about' Janet says having time to reconnect with her husband and the arrival of grandchildren helped repair her grief. "Just really enriching that relationship with my husband, I think is super important and it's taken time." Janet says she "absolutely loves and cherishes" her new role as a grandparent. "Young kids are just hilarious and fabulous, but they're also really hard work and you're thrilled when you can give them back." Felice also found a way to steer herself onto a new path by purchasing a house closer to the city. "I think by surrounding myself with more activity, being around people more, it'll be so much better for me," she says. "I also love my work; I get really excited about that." She feels it's also important to take time to celebrate what you've achieved as a parent. "You've raised human beings to be functional and get out there in the world, which is brilliant. "It's a life's work but you owe it to yourself to find joy and purpose. "The time you've had with your children, that flies but it's the same with your own life, you've got this limited time in the world, so I really do want to make the most of it."