'My mother-in-law is struggling and it’s taking over my life'

Dear Coleen, This is a bit of a delicate one, so I need help on how to approach it sensitively. Sadly, my father-in-law passed away a year ago, which was devastating for us all. We’ve been incredibly supportive to my mother-in-law but her constant presence in our lives is starting to affect my family. She lives a few miles away, but she’s always at our house, turning up unannounced at all hours and staying for days sometimes. At first it was OK, but now it’s very disruptive and we’re always cancelling things for the kids because she doesn’t want to be on her own. My husband and I have spoken to her friends and suggested social groups that would keep her busy and help her make new friends. We’ve also suggested grief counselling several times, but she won’t hear of it. My husband’s siblings live abroad, so they’re not around to help and she’s reliant on us. I have so much empathy for her but it’s so hard to deal with and causing arguments between me and my husband. What do I do? Coleen says, Grief is so different for everyone. Your mother-in-law is feeling lost and grabbing on to what she loves most because it feels scary on her own. It may have been a year but, when you’re grieving a partner, it can feel like no time has passed at all. It took a long time for my sister Linda to get back on her feet after her husband died. She stayed quite a while with me, then with our other sister and, when she went back home, she had different people staying with her. The difference is, she had therapy and would also call The Samaritans when she needed to vent. I think the point to gently get across to your mother-in-law is that while you can carry on being supportive, you’re not professionals and are struggling a bit to know how to help. It’s probably up to your husband to talk to her and ask how she thinks you can help. Maybe she just needs reassurance that if she’s struggling, she knows you’ll be there. Reiterate to her friends that she’s struggling and ask them to check in and get involved. Maybe having some things in the diary to look forward to will help. Could your husband’s siblings arrange a visit or invite her over for a few weeks for a change of scene and routine? The hope is she’ll find moments of enjoyment and realise it feels good to start living again. You can’t force her to have therapy, but tell her about bereavement charity Cruse, which might help ( cruse.org.uk; 0808 808 1677). Coleen’s words of wisdom, A great thing about being older is knowing yourself better and what’s worth your time and energy. You don’t feel the need to prove yourself or seek approval, and the friends you’ve kept are the real deal.