This is Optimizer, a weekly newsletter sent from Verge senior reviewer Victoria Song that dissects and discusses the latest gizmos and potions that swear they're going to change your life. Opt in for Optimizer here.
I was in the middle of writing a different Optimizer column this week when I learned that Pete Hegseth is getting ready to roid out America's armed forces.
The announcement came in an X post, because of course it did. "The High-T Department of War," the post read. There was a two-minute, 30-second video underneath. As I hit play, my soul morphed into that meme of a screaming, crying cat.
"We have a sacred duty to maintain t …