'Happily married, yet obsessed with another woman'

Dear Coleen, My wife and I have been together for 10 years and have two young children. I love her and our kids without question, but I’ve also developed a thing for a woman I met through work. I don’t know whether it’s love, but I see a lot of her at the moment, as we’re working closely on a project. I’m so attracted to her physically, but we also get along really well. I can’t explain it, but we just click and it feels like I’ve known her forever, even though there’s still a lot I don’t know about her, which is exciting. I feel the same as I did when I first got together with my wife, which is very confusing. I never expected this to happen to me and I’m not a cheater, but it’s making me question my marriage and that’s a scary feeling. I know how lucky I am to have my wife – she’s a total knockout and a lovely person, not to mention a great mum. Why can’t I get this other woman out of my head? Should I take these feelings seriously or try to ignore them? Usually, I know what to do, but this is a curveball. Coleen says, I think this is what you call a crush or an infatuation – a very strong physical and emotional attraction. However, don’t mistake it for love. Look, it’s normal to be attracted to other people, even when you’re in a happy relationship and love your partner, and it’s not a sign to blow up your marriage. My advice would be to back away from this woman. I realise you have to work together for the moment, but you don’t have to engage outside of work. That means no coffee dates, no lunches, no drinks on the way home and no texts or emails that don’t concern work. Then, if you commit your time and energy to your marriage, I think these feelings you have for this woman will fade. Remind yourself of the lovely life you’ve created with your wife – your family and your home – and all the experiences you’ve had together over the years. Then ask yourself why you’d risk it for an office romance with a woman you barely know. Remind yourself of what you have to lose, which is a lot. Imagine telling your wife about this woman and that you’re leaving. Give yourself a reality check. All long relationships can go through periods of feeling a bit dull, and you can find yourselves in a rut, but you have to put effort into staying connected. If you’re missing romance or intimacy, do something about it. It’s up to you to create the excitement. Coleen’s words of wisdom When you find yourself romanticising a past relationship, ask yourself if you’re actually missing your ex, or missing the feeling you had when you believed things would work? Remind yourself of the reasons why it didn’t.