'It upsets me that my children still see their stepdad'

Dear Coleen, My second marriage ended a couple of years ago after eight years. My ex was selfish, sometimes verbally abusive in arguments and quite controlling. I’ve rebuilt my life and leaving the marriage was the best decision I’ve ever made. However, my son and daughter from my first marriage, who are now in their early 20s, have continued to see my ex behind my back. He invites them over and they’ve attended family events, and it breaks my heart. They never seemed particularly close when we all lived together, so I don’t understand it. They don’t talk to me about my ex, but they do post photos with him on social media, which really upsets me. I feel they don’t understand how hard the marriage was for me and why I had to leave. When I’ve talked to my daughter about it, she just says he was their stepfather for eight years and why shouldn’t they continue to see him? I think they feel it’s my fault the marriage ended, but I don’t want to cause arguments between us, so I keep my mouth shut. I’m finding this really hard to cope with because my kids are everything to me. I thought they’d be more understanding and supportive, which makes me wonder what lies my ex is feeding them. Any advice on how to navigate this would be appreciated. Coleen says, My most important bit of advice is not to let the relationship between your kids and your ex control how you feel and affect the life you’ve built for yourself since the divorce. Maybe your kids didn’t see the side of your ex you saw and I’m guessing that’s because you did your best to protect them from it, which is being a good parent. It’s difficult when you don’t feel understood. But maybe instead of trying to stop them seeing your ex, why not try a little honesty? Just try to help them to see why this is difficult for you – you were damaged by this marriage. They’re old enough to have the discussion and hopefully they’ll be more sensitive going forward – like maybe dialling back on the social media posts and thinking about how it’s going to make you feel. The bottom line is, you’re their mum, they love you and you’re not going to lose them. However, they have built a relationship with your ex and you can’t just switch that off. Listen to what they have to say and keep talking. You’ve done well to rebuild your life, so take strength from that and make yourself the priority. Coleen’s words of wisdom Friendship circles usually shrink as we get older, but the people we’re left with are the ones that matter – the ones who keep showing up, who make us laugh and bring us peace. Meaningful relationships are more important than a long list of contacts.