Why do people ask so few questions in conversation?

I was at a friend’s birthday party recently when I found myself sitting next to a writer I didn’t know. Oh good, I thought optimistically, we might be able to bond over the joys and pains of the job. Two hours later, I knew the ins and outs of the surrealist novel he was writing, but he found out very little about me, since he didn’t ask a single question in return. I am sure this will be familiar to many readers, so I was delighted to come across some new work on “interpersonal curiosity” by Niobe Way, a professor of applied psychology at New York University. She suggests that, from a young age, Western patriarchal culture subtly discourages us from demonstrating an interest in others – an idea reinforced by masculine stereotypes. Fortunately, she has plenty of suggestions for ways to cultivate it in ourselves and our children. Way tells me that she was inspired by her personal experience of moving to Shanghai for a few months with her young children in 2007. It was, she says, “a transformative experience”. When she returned to the US, however, she tried to talk to her friends about the amazing time that she’d had, with little success. “No one, literally nobody, asked me questions about it,” she says. “And I remember saying, what is going on with people’s curiosity?” Advertisement Nearly 20 years later, she is finally answering that question. Previous research on curiosity, she says, had mostly focused on intellectual interests in the physical, material and natural world, while largely neglecting to measure people’s inquisitiveness about others’ lives and its consequences. As a developmental psychologist, Way has so far focused her efforts on children and adolescents. She and her colleagues asked 389 school students aged 11-13 to describe the two questions that they would most like to ask their closest friend, teacher and primary caregivers. They received a wide variety of responses. Some of the participants reported having no questions at all, while others opted for simple information-seeking (such as “When is dinner?” or “What is the point of this work?”). Those who wished to probe others’ personal lives and relationships, however, had better friendships and greater overall wellbeing. Such findings are perhaps unsurprising: supportive relationships are known to be central to our health and happiness, and asking others questions about their lives is surely one of the best ways to build those bonds. “It really is the secret sauce of all human connection,” says Way. The big question, then, is why we don’t do it more often. Way suggests that we have been conditioned to think that it is rude to pry into others’ lives, and the rise of individualism means that we also simply care less about the people around us. In their study of adolescent students, however, Way and her colleagues found that boys were about twice as likely to report having “no questions” than girls – suggesting that gender roles may play a large part. Earlier this year, Way published a paper that tackled this topic head-on. To measure their adherence to masculine stereotypes, each adolescent was asked to rate their agreement with statements such as “I do not let it show to my friends when my feelings are hurt” and “It is necessary for me to fight others in order to gain respect.” As hypothesised, the team found that these scores were inversely correlated with interpersonal curiosity, meaning that the more someone endorsed macho values, the less likely they were to say they enjoyed hearing others’ stories. And this, in turn, seemed to have a big influence on the quality of their friendships, measured by things like the amount of free time they spent with their closest friend and the amount of social support they received from them. You may imagine that this affected only the boys – and the connection was indeed much stronger for those who identified as male. Although some girls have started to associate the tough-guy image with success, and internalised the associated behaviour, this didn’t seem to be so closely linked to interpersonal curiosity, which independently predicted their relationship quality. Sexist assumptions about interpersonal curiosity may even explain why it has been understudied in science. “We think that interpersonal curiosity is feminine, and we don’t value what we’ve deemed feminine,” says Way, whose book Rebels with a Cause: Reimagining boys, ourselves and our culture explores these themes. “But this ‘soft’ side is essential for our social species.” Can we ever overcome this cultural conditioning? Way argues that children are born to be interpersonally curious, and that innate interest can be reawakened with the right education. To do so, she designed the Listening with Curiosity Project, a 26-lesson curriculum for adolescent students in New York Public Schools. It includes advice on asking open-ended questions and techniques to encourage people to open up about their experiences with greater nuance and detail – with plenty of opportunity for practice. The early evidence suggests it works: by the end of the curriculum, the students showed greater curiosity and increased friendship quality, with boys showing the biggest gains. Way thinks that plenty of adults could also benefit from a bit of practice. You might start out with someone you know, by asking them about their favourite childhood memory, a topic that most people enjoy discussing. You can then use this opportunity to show your genuine interest in what they say through lots of follow-up questions. You could even try it at a party, she suggests. Simply explain that you’ve been reading about the benefits of asking deep questions, then pick a topic to begin with. You may feel shy about getting started, but Way reassures me that it will be far more rewarding than you expect. When she encourages her students to try the exercise, they almost all take pleasure in the experience. “We are starving to be asked real questions,” she says. “Just do it.” David Robson’s latest book is The Laws of Connection: 13 social strategies that will transform your life. If you have a question that you would like answered in his column, please send him a message at davidrobson.me/contact