Bottom 10: Jayden Daniels, your number is up

Inspirational thought of the week: And I chose you The one I was dancing with In New York, no shoes Looked up at the sky and it was The burgundy on my T-shirt when you splashed your wine into me And how the blood rushed into my cheeks So scarlet, it was The mark you saw on my collarbone The rust that grew between telephones The lips I used to call home So scarlet, it was maroon -- "Maroon," Taylor Swift Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters -- located inside the empty office of the Ole Miss football building where Lane Kiffin used to work but no one wants to go now, so they just use it to store all of Juice's dog toys hoping one day he'll wander back from Baton Rouge -- we are ready for the season to begin. Sort of. OK, maybe not quite yet. Last week, as we sat on the beach one last time with our stack of actual paper-printed preseason magazines bought at a grocery store newsstand -- because we are Americans and, by gawd, that's what we do -- I was approached by a gentleman with an armload of his kids' beach toys who said he had been watching me in my rusty Tommy Bahama chair and he wanted to know if perhaps I needed to go inside for some air conditioning and cold electrolytes. When I asked him why he would ask me such a strange thing, he replied, "Well, I noticed that you never start reading any of those magazines from the first page. You always start in the back and read it in reverse. That's a sure sign of heat stroke." I explained to him that I am a (the) Bottom 10 pollster and that's where my teams live, on page 276, right after the sketchy liquor ads. That's when his face turned maroon. Not from the heat of the sun, but from the heat of anger. Then he dropped those toys into the sand to reveal he was also wearing maroon, the telltale hue of a UMass tank top. I think he was about to scream at me to defend his alma mater. But instead, he screamed because he had dropped all of that stuff right on top of his sunburned feet. As he ran away to stuff those hurts into a cooler of ice, he flipped me a bird and screamed, "Fight Massachusetts!" I replied, "You mean Mess-achusetts!" OK, now I'm ready for the season to begin. With apologies to Arkansas State receiver Hunter Summers, Sacramento State lineman Bryson Summers, former South Carolina quarterback Ronnie "Sunshine" Bass and Steve Harvey, here are the 2026 preseason Bottom 10 rankings. 1. UMess (2025 record: 0-12) The Minuetmen spent the offseason polishing their 2025 Bottom 10 championship trophy, giving tours to the slew of transfers who just arrived in Amherst and trying to figure out how to fit the last name of O-lineman Aitor Urionabarrenechea onto the back of one jersey. 2. Sam Houston, We Have a Problem (2-10) The Bearkats kontinue their kwest for sukcess in FCS as they krash into season kuatro of kompeting at kollege football's krowning klass. One faktor working in their favor is finally koming home to the friendly konfines of their koliseum after the Kats were kept from akkomodating kontests in 2025 during Elliott T. Bowers Stadium's $60 million rekonstruktion. 3. Georgia State Not Southern (1-11) The bad news? The Panthers have won just four games in two years and that's especially tough for me because I like to support other McGees and my cousin Dell really needs to win in Year 3. The good news? Right next to Paulson Stadium, aka The Artist Formerly Known as Turner Field, the Panthers baseball team is building a new stadium on the spot of the Atlanta Braves' old old stadium and incorporating the wall where Hank Aaron broke Babe Ruth's home run record. 4. Charlotte 1-and-11ers (1-11) Speaking of McGees, the Niners have like 16 quarterbacks, but whoever is behind center this fall will be throwing -- or trying to throw as they run for their lives because Charlotte gave up nearly 2.5 sacks per game last season -- to tight end Gus McGee. A McGee named Gus who lives in Charlotte? He might actually be my cousin. 5. Jayden Daniels No sooner than I could write Jayden Daniels and Coveted Fifth Spot in the same sentence, I had already received a cease-and-desist letter from his lawyer and an angry lunchbox note from his mom. 6. Sackreminto State (7-5 in FCS) The big winner in the Hornets' move to #MACtion? Frequent flyer miles. Geographically speaking, their closest conference rival is Western Michigan, which is 2,171 miles away. 7. Northern Ill-ugh-noise (3-9) Sack State's closest MAC opponent would have been these guys, but NIU is now a member of the new-look Mountain West, a move that their head coach was so fired up about that he left the job in February. Maybe the Hornets and Huskies can exchange travel tips as they run past each other while changing flights in Chicago. 8. ULM (pronounced "Uhlm") (3-9) Ulm, things were looking good back in, ulm, 2024 when Louisiana-Monroe started the season 5-1, but, ulm, since then the Warhawks have posted a record of, ulm, 3-15. That is, ulm, not great. 9. UTEPid (2-10) Head coach Scotty Walden is great with words. He's the dude who called spring practice "Spring Opportunities," labeled his offense the "Blue Blaze" and refers to his special teams unit as the "Wefense." His new favorite Word is Incarnate, as in the school where his new quarterback, EJ Colson, passed for 2,142 yards last year. Walden calls him "Alpha Dog." Now Walden needs to find some fun words that mean "win games." 10. Muddled Tennessee State (3-9) Speaking of coaches who are great at the podium, college football's Sharp Dressed Man has always been Derek Mason. But entering Year 3 in Murfreesboro, it's time for more ZZ Top and less ZZZZZZ on both sides of the Raiders' blue ball. Waiting List: Baller State, Whew Mexico State, State of Kent, Akronmonious, Minute Rice, GMs who were going to change the business but are now out of the business