'I feel sad that our parents never visit their grandchild'

'I feel sad that our parents never visit their grandchild' Coleen advises a reader who feels let down by her daughter's grandparents. All around her, friends' parents seem to chip in much more to help - why can't they? Dear Coleen, My husband I have a three-year-old daughter and it makes us really sad that our parents show little interest in being grandparents. They remember her birthday and there are gifts at Christmas, but they’re not very involved and never visit – we are always the ones to make visits to them. Our daughter is the first grandchild for both families, so we assumed they’d be over the moon and want to be as involved as possible, so the lack of engagement is really surprising. Both sets of parents still work either full or part-time, so I realise they’re busy, plus they have other interests and hobbies, and like to travel. But it’s sad for my daughter that they’re never around. All our friends’ parents are so much more supportive. I’m one of four kids, so maybe my parents have just had enough of parenting and want a hands-off arrangement. As for my in-laws, they have a bit of money and are often away during holidays. Should we say something to them or does it all sound a bit “poor us”? I can’t help feeling let down, though. Coleen says, I understand this from both sides. I think there’s a lot of pressure on grandparents these days, and especially working grandparents. That’s not to say that retired people have a duty to be full-time grandparents. However, when you’re working, like I am, sometimes you can’t help out or you get home exhausted and don’t instantly want to go straight into childcare duties. I adore all my grandchildren but I’ve also spent many years putting my own kids first no matter what and at 61 I need a bit of time for myself. But every grandparent’s circumstances are different. I know grandparents who are fully hands-on, including my eldest sister, who’s always running her grandchildren around, but she’s not working so much now and she’s single, so it works for her and she loves it. I, on the other hand, have to say no sometimes and of course I feel terribly guilty about it. I also see where you’re coming from and you shouldn’t bottle up your feelings and get resentful. Have a conversation with the grandparents or start by having a heart-to-heart with your mum. Maybe you can come to an arrangement where they do get to see more of your daughter and you feel more supported. I’m certain both sets of grandparents love your daughter to bits and would help if you were really stuck, but they might be unaware of how you feel, so talk to them. Coleen's words of wisdom Remind yourself of the real luxuries in life: time for yourself, a good community of family and friends, fulfilling work and interests, good health and peace of mind. These are the things that truly enrich your life.