If you want help from the village, sometimes it means playing by their rules

How millennials and their parents are avoiding the grandparent trap When Jessie Stephens gave birth to her eldest daughter Luna, two doting grandmothers were waiting in the wings. Keeping an eager but respectful distance, they headed straight to the hospital as soon as they knew baby was on the way. Jessie didn't turn them away — she knew these women would form the cornerstone of her village. According to an Australian National University project exploring the history of grandparenting, about 56 per cent of parents rely on a grandparent to provide some form of child care. But as the dynamics of modern families and parenting styles have evolved, the expectations for grandparents are changing. "When baby was born, I would say both grandmothers didn't quite know what our roles were," Jessie's mother Anne Stephens told Life Matters for The Grandparent Trap. Loading..."We sort of looked at each other, nodded and smiled and waited for instructions." In the early days of newborn feeding schedules and sleep deprivation, the grandmothers stepped in to provide practical support and run endless loads of washing. Since then, their roles have shifted, taking the family on a journey of understanding and negotiating expectations and priorities — for both Jessie and the grandparents. Making compromises around your parenting choices When the time came to send Luna to Nanna day care, Jessie soon learnt there were some compromises to be made. "Mum's probably a little more relaxed [than me]," Jessie says. "I remember once saying 'Luna's never had McDonald's', and Mum was like 'well, yes she has'. "That's not a parenting decision I made, but you must surrender." Parenting educator and grandmother of eight, Maggie Dent, says it's not unusual for parents and grandparents to take different approaches to certain aspects of child-rearing, particularly around technology and discipline. One example, she explains, is the "massive shift around what we do when children make poor choices". "Previous generations might have said they were being deliberately bad or naughty, and this generation knows quite often that's a response from a child struggling to cope with stress and anxiety," Ms Dent says. Having raised two sets of identical twins, Jessie's mother Anne has a fair bit of parenting experience. But she rarely offers advice. (Although, she admits that when Jessie announced she was expecting her own set of twins, "I must have laughed for 15 minutes".) Anne says when she was raising kids, "we didn't have the information at our fingertips". "We relied a lot more on instinct, or comments that our own mothers and mothers-in-law made," she says. Ms Dent explains that it's important for grandparents to respect parental boundaries as much as possible, because they help create a sense of predictability and stability for children. But there are certain circumstances where it's reasonable to bend the rules, if it's not harmful to the child or parent's values or relationships. Anne says while she might sneak Luna the occasional unsanctioned treat, she'd never undermine Jessie on issues that are really important to her, such as screen time. Managing parenting boundaries and relationships with grandparents The shift towards starting families later in life can also influence the grandparenting dynamic, says Ms Dent, whose grandkids span the stages of toddler to teenagehood. "Many parents are having their children later, which means that by the time the grandchildren arrive, the grandparents are often much older than they used to be," she says. "And so it is a challenge, because physically our bodies aren't quite as good. I have been known to pull a muscle or two trying to keep up with a little toddler!" Ms Dent says it's important to be realistic about the capacity of aging grandparents to provide the type of care children need at different stages. Sign up to the ABC Lifestyle newsletter "No matter how much our heart would love to have them for lots of time, if they're little and exhausting … then we've really got to make sure we're doing it in a way that doesn't exhaust the grandparent and create tension within the parent-grandparent relationship," she says. These dynamics can also be complicated by distance, disability, death, divorce or difficult relationships between grandparents and their adult children. Josh Coleman, a US-based psychologist who specialises in estrangement and family conflict, says for parents who didn't feel adequately supported in their own childhood, the relationship can become strained when a new generation comes along. "Some [grandparents], who maybe weren't so good as parents, feel like they have the opportunity to repair something with their grandchildren, to be more ideal, to be more loving, to be more affectionate, consistent, available. "But for some adult children, they feel like, 'Well, how come you couldn't do that with me?'" But Dr Coleman says it can be worth it to try to work through conflicts and maintain a relationship. "An adult child and their parents shouldn't have to have the closest, most perfect relationship in order for there to be a beneficial relationship between the grandparent and the grandchild," he says. "That in itself is an entity that should be prioritised and valued." Dr Coleman adds that, excluding unsafe scenarios, watching their caregivers coexisting respectfully, even though they sometimes disagree, can be a valuable lesson for young children and adolescents. Dr Coleman acknowledges communication isn't always easy. "In the same way that a couple could come to couples' therapy on the verge of divorce because they just don't know how to communicate, a lot of parents and adult children are estranged because they don't have those skills,” he says. Ms Dent says that when tensions do arise, it can help to prioritise the issues that really matter and communicate concerns clearly and kindly. "We're all very sensitive when we get criticised or judged, so when you get it right, they'll feel appreciated and validated and perhaps think 'yes, I could lift my game'," she says. "The most important thing is that we're doing something with love as priority rather than control or judgement or criticism. Because that is the key to raising healthy kids." 'The village can be annoying' but worthwhile While acknowledging the challenges that can come with it, Jessie sees it as a privilege for both her and her children to have access to hands-on grandparents. She says she is lucky to have had "a really safe, stable and loving upbringing" and now, a strong relationship with her parents and in-laws. "I know it's not something everyone has." Jessie says it's because of the solid foundation of trust and respect that she feels comfortable turning a blind eye to a few secret hot chips. "We talk about the importance of the village — the village can be annoying. The village sometimes drop in and they sometimes feed your kid the wrong thing," she says. "But if you push them away and if you're so controlling, then you lose your village and it's just you doing it on your own."