'I’m married to a workaholic so feel like a single mum'

Dear Coleen, My husband and I have three kids between the ages of two and six, and I’m a full-time mum, while my husband runs his own business. My problem is, he is always at work and never at home. I was very patient when he was setting up the business, as I realised it was make or break and important for him to be there a lot. Now, though, the business is established and doing well, but he’s still at work every hour of the day. I complain about it a lot because I’m knackered all the time, running after the kids and would love to go back to work for a rest. But his answer is always a variation of, “the buck stops with me”, “people rely on me”, “I have to be there” and “I’m doing it for us”. All of those things are true, but the point is, there’s no balance, we never see him, I feel like I’m doing everything at home and I may as well be a single parent at this rate. I honestly think he just likes being at work so he doesn’t have to deal with the kids. Unfortunately, my parents don’t live near enough to help and my mother-in-law’s health isn’t great, so she’d never cope with our kids, so I never get a break. Any suggestions on how I can get through to my husband? Coleen says Well, it sounds like while he may be scoring top marks at being a great team member at work, he’s failing at home. It needs to be a joint effort in terms of making you both happy or you’ll end up feeling like an unpaid babysitter, coping with all the challenging bits of family life and losing the joy. You’re doing a great job with the kids and maybe he’s taking you for granted. When you run your own business, you do have to be on top of everything, but when things are going smoothly or it’s a quiet time, then he should be more present at home. Maybe instead of complaining about it all the time, why not suggest coming up with a loose schedule where he can be more involved at home, with the understanding that there’s wiggle room if things go nuts at work? He could also do things like switch off his phone when he is at home and delegate more to his next-in-command at work. It’s also worth reminding him that being absent so often could damage you as a family and a couple, and what will work mean to him then? It’s good to work hard to build a good life, but he’s in danger of missing out on so much and might regret that in years to come. Also, find a good babysitter and have some nights out on your own. It does get easier as the kids get older and there are more options for childcare to give you a break. Coleen’s words of wisdom I like this time of year because it’s a chance for new beginnings. Harness the back-to-school vibe and think of September as a new chapter. Let go of what feels heavy and start with a clean slate.