'I made the decision to die - then three words from a stranger changed everything'

'I made the decision to die - then three words from a stranger changed everything' WARNING: DISTRESSING CONTENT. EXCLUSIVE. Back in 2019, a desperate Paul, now 45, made a plan to end his own life. Here, he tells how a stranger saved his life and others can do the same It was 2019 when Paul, 45, made the horrifying decision to end his life. Here, to mark World Suicide Prevention Day, he shares his story from his secret struggles to the chance meeting that kept him alive for one more day… "How long had it been going on? I couldn't tell. In reality, it was probably years. It was due to overwork, too many commitments, too many things happening, too little support. All the usual clichés. It seemed like I was the cause of every problem that existed. If you questioned most people, they'd say, "What are you talking about? There wasn't even a problem, let alone that you were the cause of it." But that's what it felt like, because it was just continual. You can't work your way out of problems, and then you stop looking after yourself, and you stop doing the basics. I was working away at the time. I was doing crazy hours; it was 20-hour days quite regularly, so I was skipping sleep. You're losing all perspective. It wasn't an 'Oh, everything's terrible for me, I want to escape'. It was 'If I remove myself from this problem, it makes life better for everyone else.' But to the outside world, everything was absolutely perfect. It was just my internal struggle. There was one day when it felt like, okay, this is the most logical choice for me to take myself out of the picture. It seemed the kindest thing to do for most people. It genuinely was not selfish. It wasn't to relieve me, it was to make life better for other people. Going into that day, I'd made a choice - the wrong choice -, but things seemed logical, like I had everything in order. It was a sense of calm, as most people get when they have made a decision and it's all lined up. It sounds very horrible to talk about it in that sense, but if you decide you're going to do something, you sort it. The problem's gone away at that point because I'm just implementing it. So bizarrely, it was quite a calm crescendo. On the day in question, I was walking through a street in Edinburgh. I was walking close to the traffic, but I had no intention of jumping in front of it; that wasn't my plan. For some reason, this taxi driver stopped. At first, I thought he was going to be an argumentative taxi driver, having a go at me for wandering, but he wasn't. We had a quick chat, and for some reason, he had Samaritans' contact cards in his car. He just said, "You look like you need to speak to someone, speak to them." And then he had to go on with his life. I was quite distracted. I had in my head somewhere else to be, and I'm sure he had somewhere else to be, but he saw something. He said, "You're not right," and that was it. It wasn't that he was trying to do anything in particular; it was, looking back, an interruption. I've literally no idea why he didn't just speed past and go to the next fare. It doesn't really make sense. I could never find him again to find out what he saw, or if there was anything, or if he was just trying to kill five minutes, who knows? Did that man save my life? That night, yes. I would say it gave me 24 hours to gain perspective and start to be more rational. The one call to Samaritans didn't fix anything; it started a process to fix things. He was the catalyst that stopped that thought; he interrupted that thought, which was essential. I walked around for hours afterwards, not calling Samaritans. I didn't really know what you were meant to do. I know I didn't know what to say. But it was just a conversation that somehow took it from "Well, I'm going to end things tonight" to "I need to get some sleep." There was no secret magic pill where they said this, and then suddenly everything was fine, because nothing changed. It was just a chance to externalise it, and somehow it turned into "Right, I need to somehow get to bed," which was a very different thought from "I need to finish things." Immediately after that Samaritans' call, I felt numb. I'd love to say I had a call and everything was fine, and I just loved life again. It wasn't like that. It was a thing that gets you through 24 hours, and then you just do another 24 hours, so on and so forth. In terms of a natural recovery, it took years. And because of the kind of person I was, it was something I chose to do myself, and I restarted loads of things in my life. Not like really important stuff like family and things like that, I was lucky enough I could keep them constant, but everything else, my entire approach to life changed, career, exercise, health. I had to approach life differently. I couldn't keep getting burnt out and broken, because it was starting to become a cycle that every five years you'd reach a low point, and how low would those lows go? Unfortunately, it's the really dull stuff that works. Exercise properly, find something you love, find support networks, all of those sorts of things. Get those basics sorted in life, starts working again. Now life is great, which is the main reason I chose to go public. Most of the stories I see are about it being after someone is gone. It's so someone could see it and think, "Well, if I turn things around, life gets good again." You think it's going to be terrible forever. It's not. I don't believe I'm an exception; I think there are many people like this. Looking back, it was, it's part of my life, I'm not ashamed. But it's always a risk that I could get back there; it just makes me a bit more alert to looking out for others. Life got in the way, and it's very easy to soldier on until you can't cope. I would encourage anyone else to do that, because it's not selfish to make sure you're here tomorrow. My advice to anyone struggling is, well, two things. Firstly, just try and get through a day, don't try and work out how you're going to get through life. Just try to do a day until things become manageable; if you can do a day, you can do two days, and you can probably do a week, and so on. Don't try to boil the ocean; just make it the smallest unit that you can get through. Secondly, find someone to talk to. This is why the Samaritans need to exist, because if you don't know how to start that conversation with someone who has a stake in your life, it's pretty much impossible, because you can't really go to your family, partner, who all have an opinion, and say "Don't worry, everything's going to be fine," and that's a level of judgment. I don't think there are many places where you can have a genuine judgment-free conversation for free, without it being loaded by anything, and Samaritans is about the only one I know, if I'm honest And what would I say to that taxi driver? Well, I guess it's just thank you. I suspect he has no idea; he just thought I was annoyed or something. He probably didn't think it was as big as it was. But it was the interaction that started a lot of things, so it was colossally helpful, so it's a genuine thank you. I don't think I'll ever be able to find him, because I could not describe in any way what he was like, and I don't know why, because I can remember pretty much everything in my life, but there are certain bits around this event I have no idea at all. I tried for ages to see if I could spot the car, and I didn't find anything. I also learned that there's no reason you can't interrupt people, and I've done it since, and you just ask if someone's okay. The worst that happens is that the person goes home and goes, 'This weirdo came up to me and asked if I was going to kill myself'. But sometimes it's just enough. Ignoring it, knowing there's something wrong, isn't something people should do. I think we're safe to say that there's no negative consequence to asking someone if they're okay. It's not going to suddenly make someone go. 'Oh, right, I'm going to go through with it now.' It doesn't happen like that. Julie Bentley, Chief Executive of Samaritans, said: "Paul’s story is a perfect example of how an interruption can be life-saving. One in four of us experiences suicidal thoughts in our lifetime, but they can be interrupted. "If someone is struggling, a small interaction that shows you care can be all it takes to break them out of their train of negative thoughts and set them on the path to getting the support they need. Suicide isn’t inevitable, and this World Suicide Prevention Day, we’re reminding the public that a simple interruption has the power to save a life.” Every 90 minutes, someone in the UK and Ireland dies by suicide. But suicide isn’t inevitable. This World Suicide Prevention Day (10 September), Samaritans is encouraging everyone to be prepared to interrupt if they’re worried someone may be experiencing suicidal thoughts. Find advice on how to start a conversation, listen and support someone at www.samaritans.org/interrupt. Anyone can contact Samaritans, free, 24/7, on 116 123 or visit www.samaritans.org. Do you have a story to share? Email me at [email protected]