'My friend asked if she could date my untrustworthy ex'

Dear Coleen, I’m a 34-year-old woman and I broke up with my partner a couple of months ago. We’d been together for four years and I ended it. He’s eight years older than me and he convinced me that he wanted the same things in life – marriage and a family – but he kept making U-turns. If I pressed him on it, he’d often say he wasn’t ready, or he’d rather buy a new car or go on holiday. In the end, I felt like I was waiting around for a bus that never arrived. The final humiliation was ducking out of my brother’s wedding at the last minute in favour of going to a folk festival, so I dumped him. Instead of just disappearing, he’s creating more drama. One of my friends recently called me and asked if I had any objection to her dating him! I was gobsmacked. I couldn’t believe either of them would think it was appropriate, particularly so soon after my relationship with him ended. Surely, you just don’t go there? Even though I’m glad I moved on from him, it’s more humiliation and it was also a relatively long and serious relationship. I feel I should warn her that he’ll never grow up, but I don’t know if I can be bothered. Please help – I feel like no one gives a damn about how I feel. Coleen says, Well, I give a damn about how you feel. Whatever your reasons were for splitting up, it’s hard, even if in your heart you know you made the right decision. I think you have to try to change your mindset. From the little bit you’ve told me about him, what you need to be thinking is, “That was a lucky escape”. You were clever enough to know the relationship wasn’t right and brave enough to act on it. If anything, feel sorry for your friend because she’ll probably end up in the same boat as you, even if she’s currently in honeymoon mode. And I don’t think there’s any point in warning her because she’ll probably just see you as bitter or jealous. From the way he behaved, it sounds like he was being cowardly, knowing he didn’t want the same things as you, but not being honest about it and forcing you to break up with him, so he can be absolved of any responsibility. I’m sure you did love him at some point and the relationship was great some of the time, but don’t forget about all the times he let you down and didn’t treat you well. The great thing is, now you’re free to find someone to have a family with, who shares the same dreams and values, and with whom you can create a brilliant life for yourself. Focus on that. Coleen’s words of wisdom If one of your friends has gone quiet, be the person to check in on them. Maybe they just need some space or maybe they could use some company or support, but don’t know how to ask for it.