'My partner’s lazy sons won’t move out of our house'

Dear Coleen, My partner and I are both in our 50s and I moved in with her last year. We’re both divorced and have grown-up children from our marriages, which is one of the many things we have in common. I’m finding it a challenge to live with her sons, who are 26 and 29, and still at home. Before I moved in, she told me they had plans to move out with their girlfriends and were saving up, but it’s been nearly a year and neither of them is showing any inclination to get off their bums and start their lives. It drives me crazy because they’re both so lazy and let my partner do everything for them, but it’s difficult for me to wade in because they’re grown men. Whenever I tentatively bring up the subject of her doing too much for them and ask when they’re moving out, she gets really defensive. Luckily, I have work to distract me and see my own kids (who are teenagers) most weekends – even they think it’s weird. I love my partner, but I’m not sure how much longer I can endure this situation. Coleen says, I understand your frustration. Blending families is hard – I’ve been there – and it takes time and patience, however old the kids are. Your partner is always going to defend her sons, and it probably doesn’t feel weird to her because it’s how it’s always been. I have older kids in their 20s and 30s and they’ve all moved back in with me at different points. I think it’s become more common with the cost of living and young people being priced out of the housing market. None of that helps you but what might is a different approach. Maybe the angle to take with your partner is she should encourage her boys to become more independent and self-sufficient, so they’re ready to move out. Try to help her see that doing everything for them isn’t going to prepare them for life. Plus, when they do move in with their girlfriends, they need to pull their weight. They need to know how to budget, pay bills, cook meals and contribute to the household. And, in fact, you might find that if she does stop doing everything for them, they might feel more encouraged to speed up their plans! Help her to see that it’s good to allow them to grow and do things for themselves so, when they do leave, they know what they’re doing. Good luck. Coleen’s words of wisdom Walking away from a situation that keeps hurting you isn’t giving up and it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re choosing yourself and your own peace. Some things need to end for you to move forward.