'Is postponing our divorce a sensible idea for us both?'

Dear Coleen, I’m a woman in my 40s and my husband and I aren’t together any more, although we still live in the same house. We’ve had separate bedrooms for a couple of years and are only together for the sake of our two children. We live totally separate lives and don’t ask any questions, and we only talk about family stuff or the kids. I’ve been seeing someone else for about a year and it’s a convenient situation, as he lives miles away, so we get together occasionally and don’t put any demands on each other. I suppose my question is, how long can we do this for? I think I’ll be ready to sell the house and move on once our kids go to uni (which is a few years off). However, I think my husband still holds out some hope that we’ll end up together again. It’s almost as if he’s letting me go off and do what I want in the hope that I’ll “get it out of my system” and return to him. I can’t imagine that ever happening, as I just don’t feel that way about him any more. I thought this arrangement could work well for us all, but now I’m not so sure and I’m worried we’re just kicking the nasty divorce down the road. Coleen says, Yes, I think you’re kicking the can down the road and putting off the inevitable. Divorce is never easy, even when it’s amicable, but it doesn’t have to be nasty. I think it would be up to the two of you to agree to keep things as friendly and stress-free as possible for the kids. You could be right that your husband is turning a blind eye, hoping you’ll come back, and if he were writing to me I’d be asking him to reflect on what this is doing to his sense of self-worth. So, I think it’s important for you to be clear about where you stand and your intention is still to separate. I have a friend who had a similar arrangement and she didn’t think it would come to a separation, but as soon as their youngest child moved out, her husband was gone, and it came as a big shock, even though it was something they’d discussed. She kept hoping he was just going through something and would change his mind. The question for you is whether you wait or stop postponing a proper separation and set the wheels in motion now. I don’t think there’s a “right” time to do it, but if you’re struggling, then that time might be now. Just keep in mind that this affair you’re having allows you to have your cake and eat it, but when you’re free to make it full-time, it might not live up to your expectations. Coleen’s words of wisdom Choose the right people – the ones who make you feel lighter, allow you to be yourself, notice when you’re feeling off and check in, and who show up consistently, not just when it’s convenient for them.