'I feel so hurt after my son chose to live with his dad'

Dear Coleen, I’m a divorced single mum with a 16-year-old son and I’m currently feeling heartbroken after he opted to live with his dad. I split up with my ex when our son was five and I have raised him pretty much on my own since then. His dad was always on the scene but very much on the edges while I was the one doing all the actual parenting. I was the one who was there through good times and bad, offering stability, guidance and emotional support. I did every school run, packed every lunch and made every dinner, while my ex swooped in occasionally with tickets for a football match or the offer of a holiday. I’m not having a go at my ex for doing these things and I’m glad they have a good relationship, but it stings that my son wants to live with him. He says has more in common with his dad now he’s older and I suppose I get that, but it still hurts. He’s my only child, while my ex has two younger kids with his wife, so I’m dealing with an empty nest before I expected it. My son has been staying with me at weekends but he’s out with his mates so much I hardly see him. It really feels as if I’m losing him. Please help. Coleen says, I really feel the sadness in your letter, but this decision your son has made doesn’t take anything away from the great job you’ve done of raising him. I understand it probably feels like you’ve been taken for granted, while his dad gets this wonderful young person who you’ve shaped and guided. However it doesn’t mean your son loves you any less or doesn’t appreciate everything you’ve done for him. It’s OK to tell him you miss him, but try not to make him feel guilty for moving out. I remember my son Shane telling me he wanted to go back down south and live with his dad, which felt like a knife in my gut. My sisters all told me I was mad for saying yes. He lasted three weeks and came back, which I knew he would and so did his dad. Maybe in a few weeks your son will decide he doesn’t want to share a house with noisy younger siblings and ends up on your doorstep! My other son Jake went off to theatre school in London at 14 so I only saw him at weekends and that was hard. I’ve remained close to both my sons and I think some of that is because I let them try things and didn’t put pressure on them. Keep the conversations going with your ex, so you’re all on the same page. But give your son some space to figure this out and you might be pleasantly surprised. Coleen’s words of wisdom Growth and change happen outside of your comfort zone, so be brave and step out of it if there’s something you really want to go after. You won’t make progress by keeping things the same.