'I gave birth to her, so why do I have to adopt her?’: The unwed single parents adopting their own children

'I gave birth to her, so why do I have to adopt her?’: The unwed single parents adopting their own children Some unwed parents adopt their biological children to formalise their legal status and give them better access to benefits such as public housing and tax reliefs. Unwed mothers said the process can be lengthy and costly, and can leave them feeling unfairly scrutinised over their parenting abilities. After she gave birth to her daughter three years ago, finance executive Ms Lim had to do something most parents would never even think of: adopt her own biological child. The 35-year-old, who declined to give her full name, had been dating her child's biological father for six months when she found out she was pregnant. Her ex made it clear that he did not want to have anything to do with their child – emotionally or materially. When she started researching the legal implications of having a child outside marriage she was surprised to find out that children born out of wedlock are viewed as "illegitimate" in the eyes of the law. This meant that she would not be able to buy a Housing and Development Board (HDB) flat with her baby as they would not be recognised as a family nucleus. Her child would also not be eligible for the Baby Bonus cash gift of S$11,000 (US$8,595) among other government initiatives. Ms Lim learnt that apart from getting married to her ex, adopting her daughter was the only other way to legitimise the relationship between mother and daughter. "I was surprised because it sounds rather strange. I gave birth to her, but I actually have to adopt her, and her status will be an adopted child," said Ms Lim. She began the adoption process when her daughter was around 18 months old and the process took a year and a half, along with costing S$6,000 in legal and administrative fees. The process, she said, was entirely unnecessary and "very unfair". "Every child contributes to Singapore's future; there is no need to distinguish children born within marriage or out of a marriage this way," she said. Ms Lim’s experience reflects a lesser-known aspect of Singapore’s adoption framework where children born outside marriage need to be adopted by their biological mother or father to legitimise their relationship and allow these children access to their inheritance, allow their parents to obtain tax reliefs and give parent and child access to HDB flats. In a 2025 written reply to a parliamentary question by Workers’ Party Member of Parliament (MP) Fadli Fawzi, Social and Family Development Minister Masagos Zulkifli said there were an average of about 745 non-marital births a year to Singapore citizen mothers from 2020 to 2024. He added that of the non-marital live births from 2020 to 2024, 12 children were successfully adopted by their biological parents within the same period. CNA has asked MSF for the number of adoption applications by biological parents to adopt their biological children over this same period. In response to queries from CNA, a spokesperson for MSF said government benefits that support a child’s growth and development are available to Singapore citizen children, regardless of their parents' marital status. MSF said families can access a range of support, including financial assistance, family counselling and parenting support. More vulnerable households, including single-parent households, can reach out to MSF's Family Service Centres which can provide holistic case management and support to address multiple needs. On whether single unwed parents need to adopt their children, the MSF spokesperson said unwed parents do not need to adopt their biological children to qualify for government benefits that are extended regardless of parental marital status. "Individuals may nevertheless make decisions about adoption, based on their personal and family circumstances," added the spokesperson. MSF said it will continue to track the resilience of families, including single-parent households, and review their policies and support measures to ensure they remain responsive to evolving needs. "Where certain benefits or laws differentiate based on marital status, these reflect the government's longstanding policy of supporting parenthood within marriage." Cases of unwed parents adopting their biological children may be uncommon but mothers and advocacy groups told CNA that the process can be lengthy, costly and emotionally draining, and questioned why biological parents should have to go through the process in the first place. A biological mother or father adopting their own children is subject to the same core pre-adoption requirements as other prospective adoptive parents who are unrelated to the children they adopt. This includes a mandatory briefing, an Adoption Suitability Assessment (ASA), interviews by MSF officers, home visits and a court application, among other paperwork. In addition to these requirements, an unwed parent also has to get the biological mother or father to relinquish their rights to the child, which can be a trying process if the parents are not on good terms or if one party has experienced abuse from the other. Biological fathers face additional hurdles to adopt their own child. They have to legally prove paternity and secure sole custody first, and as single men are strictly barred from adopting a female child, they must get a special court exception to adopt a biological daughter. Ms Diana, who gave birth to her son four years ago, is at the beginning stages of the adoption process to ensure that her child is legally protected in matters of inheritance. "It feels unfair and illogical, especially since I have raised my child since birth," said the 34-year-old counsellor, who declined to give her full name. SECURING INHERITANCE, TAX RELIEF, HOUSING Family lawyers explained that a biological parent does not cease to be a child’s legal parent simply because the child was born outside marriage. The parent remains recognised as the child’s biological parent, with parental rights and legal responsibilities towards the child. What differs for these children whose parents are not married is their legal status, where they are regarded as "illegitimate" under Singapore law. Associate director of the Family Law and Probate Department at PKWA Law Practice Derek Choo said: "What changes with adoption is the child's legal status, not the relationship itself." "Singapore law still distinguishes between a child born within marriage and one born outside it, and for many unwed mothers, adopting their own child is the clearest way to close that gap." One of the gaps that these parents want to address is the matter of inheritance. If an unmarried parent dies without making a will, the illegitimate child has no automatic right to inherit his or her estate in Singapore, if there are other surviving family members such as grandparents. "While the mother can bypass this by writing a clear will, the child still loses out on automatic statutory protection," said Ms Jaspreet Kaur, director of private wealth and family practice at Yuen Law. One mother, who wanted to be known only as Ms Moon, said that ensuring her daughter would automatically inherit her assets was one of the reasons she began the adoption process in 2018. "The fact that I’m the biological mother and my daughter may not automatically inherit from me if anything were to happen to me was pretty alarming," said Ms Moon, 36, a finance executive. "I assumed that because I was her biological mother and had given birth to her, my relationship with her would be treated the same as that of any mother who had a child within marriage." I assumed that because I was her biological mother and had given birth to her, my relationship with her would be treated the same as that of any mother who had a child within marriage. Inheritance matters aside, mothers told CNA that tax relief was another driving factor for them to go through the adoption process. Unwed mothers who adopt their children become eligible for the S$4,000 Qualifying Child Relief, although other benefits such as the Working Mother’s Child Relief and Parenthood Tax Rebate remain restricted to mothers who are married, divorced or widowed. When it comes to housing, unwed parents and their children are also not recognised as a family nucleus under HDB rules, unlike married, divorced, or widowed parents. This means that single unwed parents are not eligible for family-tier Build-to-Order flats, family housing grants, priority balloting schemes or subsidised interim rental programmes such as the Parenthood Provisional Housing Scheme, and must wait until age 35 to buy a home as a single applicant. These parents may, however, appeal to HDB on a case-by-case basis. Ms Moon was successful in her appeal to HDB and was allowed to ballot only for a three-room flat or smaller before she turned 35. She tried about seven times before finally getting a ballot number in the year she turned 35. Some of the mothers CNA spoke to said that the adoption process was not just about gaining government benefits, but also about formally severing ties with the biological father. Family lawyer Ms Kaur said failing to adopt the child leaves the door open for the biological father to interfere legally, including requesting custody and access while the child is still a minor. "An estranged or absent father could potentially block or complicate significant life decisions, such as applying for the child's passport, relocating overseas, or making major medical choices," said Ms Kaur. Under an adoption order, the biological father’s parental rights and responsibilities are legally extinguished and transferred to the adoptive parent. Ms Moon said she pursued adoption to bring finality to her daughter’s legal relationship with her biological father. She said she was concerned that without an adoption order, he could later re-emerge and seek to assert parental rights over her child. "If I didn’t go through the adoption process, he would still have the right to come back and make a claim," she said of her ex, who has been absent since her child's birth. THE ADMINISTRATIVE AND FINANCIAL BURDEN Unwed mothers who spoke to CNA described the adoption process as unexpectedly costly and cumbersome. Ms Moon, who began the adoption process in 2018 without a lawyer, recalled how overwhelming it felt, especially having to navigate legal jargon on her own. She recalled leaving the courtroom in tears after a judge reprimanded her for incomplete paperwork. "There is a lot of information available about the adoption process but it is geared towards non-biological parents trying to adopt a child. "When it comes to biological mothers trying to adopt their child, there is almost no information about it," she said. Ms Moon tried again in 2021, this time with a lawyer. She went through 18 to 20 months of paperwork and had to locate her daughter’s biological father to get his consent. When he could not be contacted, she had to appeal to MSF to have his consent waived. When Ms Moon finally received her adoption order in 2022, it was both a great relief and a vindication of everything she had been through. "When I finally received the adoption order, I felt that now I am her mother and now she is my child," said Ms Moon. "Even after adopting my daughter, there are still many battles to fight, but at least I won this one." Ms Christina Anthony, 42, said she had considered adoption to safeguard her son’s inheritance and estate-planning interests, particularly as she has no living parents or family support to fall back on. However, Ms Christina decided not to proceed with the application as she needed to prioritise daily expenses. "I was informed that the process could cost around S$5,000 to S$7,000. While that may not seem significant to everyone, it was a major financial burden for me," said the human resources manager. I was informed that the process could cost around S$5,000 to S$7,000. While that may not seem significant to everyone, it was a major financial burden for me. Costs and administrative issues aside, mothers who successfully adopted their children all recalled the adoption process as being overwhelming. It also left them feeling that their ability to parent a child they had already been raising was being heavily scrutinised. The ASA involves a detailed examination of a prospective adopter’s circumstances and readiness to adopt, which can include lengthy interviews, home visits, background checks and character references. DREDGING UP PAINFUL MEMORIES One mother, who wanted to be known only as Ms Maia, said the ASA was stressful and invasive. The self-employed 38-year-old began the adoption process in September 2025, just before her daughter turned two years old. She decided not to marry the child's biological father as she felt "he was not fit to be a father". She was taken aback at the amount of information the process required including extensive background checks that extended to relatives, a police criminal record check, a full-body medical screening, and financial information such as her Central Provident Fund and income to show she could support her daughter. For Ms Moon, home visits where a social worker scrutinised her living arrangements were "rather scary". She said the process left her with anxious thoughts about whether she might be deemed unfit to parent her daughter, particularly because she worked long hours and relied on her parents, childcare and, at one point, a helper for support. Ms Lim added that the ASA was emotionally draining as it required her to revisit and describe in considerable detail her relationship with her child's biological father and the circumstances surrounding her child’s conception. "I had spent a lot of time trying to heal from that period of my life, so having to face the biological father and revisit painful memories as part of the adoption process was difficult, even though I understood why the assessments needed that information," she said. "I keep questioning why I have to be assessed so thoroughly when I was the one taking care of this child alone from day one." She questioned why her parenting was subjected to such close scrutiny simply because she was unmarried, noting that being married did not necessarily mean someone was capable of raising a child. Ms Diana similarly described the process as being "frustrating" and "unfathomable". "My experiences of doing everything I could to make things work with the father of my child ... as a daughter who felt she had let her family down, and an unwed mother, have allowed me to accumulate enough shame, regret and pain to last me a lifetime," she said. "I do not need the legal process to be an additional source of distress in this situation." Some of the mothers CNA spoke to also pointed to the emotionally taxing process of having to get the biological father's consent to relinquish his parental rights. Ms Lim said obtaining that consent from her daughter's biological father involved "challenging conversations". "This was particularly difficult given the circumstances surrounding our relationship and the verbal abuse I had experienced from him during my pregnancy," she said. Meanwhile, Ms Diana, who is currently going through the adoption process, said she expects dealing with her child’s father will be arduous, as he has not consented to the adoption at this point. She said that if the matter is contested, her legal fees could increase significantly, and the process could be prolonged. For Ms Thivya Pillai, who became a mother at 18 and has raised her son largely on her own, having to contact her son’s father again is one of the main reasons she has put the adoption process on hold. The pair have not been in contact for about 10 years, and the 31-year-old business owner fears reigniting the conflict they went through when she was seeking sole custody of her child. "The whole custody fight was one of the craziest moments of my life. Going through the adoption process feels like I’m going back there, and I don’t know if I have the ability to go through it all over again." "WE SHOULDN'T BE PUNISHED FURTHER" Advocacy groups and single mothers CNA spoke to were adamant that single parents should not have to adopt their biological children simply to obtain legal recognition of their parent-child relationship. Mr Rajakanth R, executive director at Babes Pregnancy Crisis Support said: "For a young mother, having to navigate a formal legal process relating to a child she has carried, given birth to and is caring for can understandably bring feelings of confusion, frustration or distress." "For someone who is already adjusting to young motherhood, it can feel like another layer of complexity at an already demanding time." Mr Rajakanth said that while legal status does not determine a child's emotional well-being, how a child's birth and parentage are recognised can affect identity, belonging and family relationships as the child grows up. Deputy chief executive officer of the Singapore Council of Women’s Organisations (SCWO), Ms Lorraine Lim, said there is an opportunity to review whether existing processes and support mechanisms adequately reflect the circumstances these families face. "In particular, greater access to affordable legal and practical assistance would benefit individuals who do not qualify for pro bono services but are nevertheless unable to afford private legal representation," said Ms Lorraine Lim. SCWO runs a single mothers programme that helps single mothers navigate the challenges of raising their children independently. Over the past few years, the organisation has assisted two unwed single mothers with adoption and legal-status-related issues through its legal clinics. "Ultimately, any approach should be guided by the best interests and welfare of the child, while ensuring that mothers are not subjected to unnecessary financial or emotional burdens in their efforts to secure greater legal stability for their families." The Association of Women for Action and Research (AWARE), which has helped single mothers navigate the adoption process, said that these mothers described fearing that their children will be labelled illegitimate alongside judgment from family, peers, and sometimes officials. "Being required to legally adopt a child they have carried and raised compounds this. It asks a mother to formally petition for a status the law should have granted her by default, reinforcing the sense that her family is viewed as incomplete or lesser," said an AWARE spokesperson. "Singapore's pro-family policies should recognise that families take different forms, and support all of them accordingly." Ms Lim, the finance executive, echoed AWARE's point that many single unwed mothers and their children are already fearing judgment from society. "The government could reconsider this requirement of adoption ... I think it's unnecessary for a mother. I mean, we are already going through so much having to raise a child on our own," said Ms Lim. "We shouldn't be punished further by having to go through this."