'I am avoiding my mother because I hate my stepdad'

Dear Coleen, I need some advice on my stepdad. My mum’s been with him for 10 years and they married a couple of years ago, much to my horror. He moved in with us quite quickly after getting together with mum but, luckily, I turned 18 quite soon after and went off to university and never moved back in. I’ve never liked him, but I put on a good face for my mum’s sake. He’s very petty and childish and will sulk for weeks if he doesn’t get his own way or someone dares to question him. My mum is easy-going but he takes advantage of this, so everything they do is on his terms. She’s always changing her plans to accommodate him. I’m sure Mum has twigged that I don’t like him, but I’d never upset her by saying anything. The thing is, I avoid visiting her at her house because he’s there, which is a shame, as it’s the house I grew up in and where I have special memories of my dad, who died 15 years ago. Now I feel like I’m losing my mum too because her husband takes priority over everything and everyone. Any ideas on how I can improve this situation? By the way, I’m not the only one who doesn’t like him – pretty much the entire family don’t want to be anywhere near him. Coleen says, This is a horrible situation for you and hard for your mum too. I think she must know you don’t like her hubby. I always knew when my kids didn’t like someone I was dating, even though they never said it outright. But they would say things like, “Does that not drive you mad?” or “How do you put up with those moods?” Eventually, I got the picture. The most important thing is that you mustn’t stop seeing your mum as much as you want to see her – whether it’s days out, holidays or visits to your place. You don’t want her to think he’s all she’s got, so keep that bond between you strong. It’s OK to say to your mum you don’t like the way your stepdad treats her sometimes. It might open a bigger conversation or she might say something to reassure you. It’s important to listen to what she has to say. But just check in with yourself that there’s not some jealousy lurking around on your side or that missing your dad means you’re struggling to accept someone “taking his place”. However old you are, these feelings can still be very strong. It might help to think about your mum and what she lost and how she’s rebuilt her life, which is no mean feat. Now you’re older and making your way in the world, she deserves to be happy too and maybe she is. Coleen’s words of wisdom How often do you feel obligated to say “yes” to something that’s either massively inconvenient or that you simply don’t want to do? It’s hard to say “no”, but sometimes you should. Being honest from the start is better than a half-hearted “yes”.