'Feeling like a bad mum for having a favourite daughter'

Dear Coleen, I have two daughters, aged 12 and 16, who have different fathers. My relationship with my elder daughter’s father was very toxic and he walked out when she was a few months old. I was glad it was over, but it was hard being a single mum. I met my husband a few years later and had my second daughter. I’m struggling with my eldest girl. I’m ashamed to admit this, but I favour my younger daughter and we have a stronger relationship. We’re alike and get on well. It’s different with my eldest. I know I can be short tempered with her and not show as much interest. It might be something to do with life being hard when she was a baby and resenting her father, but I don’t feel the same connection. She’s never been an easy kid and there have been many challenges in school and at home. I feel guilty for loving my youngest more. I don’t know how to change things. My husband adores our eldest and adopted her, but I still think she feels like an outsider in some ways. Coleen says, This is a difficult thing for a parent to admit, and I feel sad for your eldest daughter. Maybe it does stem from the trauma of those challenging early years and perhaps she reminds you of your ex but she’ll feel it and that feeling is probably linked to her acting out. Negative attention is still attention and that’s what she’s looking for. Whatever happened in your past was not her fault and you need to work hard on growing that bond with her and making her feel loved and secure. If she’s grown up seeing you favouring her sister, it’s going to alienate her and make her feel not good enough. She should be your priority going forward – go above and beyond. Make time on your own with her regularly to build that bond and tell her you love her. Ask for her opinions, encourage her to share what she’s thinking and feeling, and make her feel included at every opportunity. Give her the attention and reassurance she needs. At 16 she might also be ready to hear more about her past and her father, so step up and be honest with her. Consider therapy, too. Keep in mind that 16 is a tough age and she will test you all the time because that’s what teenagers do. Talk to her and keep talking, and show her she can come to you with anything. I think it would be very sad if she left home and you missed the opportunity to become closer. Coleen’s words of wisdom If you want to build a new habit into your life, don’t set yourself up for failure by setting the bar too high. Start by establishing achievable goals and build on it from there.