Feeling relieved when plans get cancelled may signal something deeper

You have been looking forward to meeting friends all week. You like the people, the plan sounds enjoyable and you have already agreed to be there. Then, a few hours before the meeting, a message arrives: the plan is cancelled. Your first reaction is not disappointment. It is relief. You suddenly have an evening to yourself. There is no need to get ready, travel across the city, keep up with conversations or return home late. You can eat at your own pace, watch something or simply do nothing. And although you genuinely wanted to see your friends, you are secretly glad it is not happening. This reaction can feel confusing. Does it mean you did not really want to meet them? Not necessarily. It may mean that you were looking forward to the people but had underestimated how much energy the outing would require. Psychology research offers some insight into this difference. Socialising can be enjoyable and tiring at the same time. Wanting company does not always mean having the energy for another social commitment. Socialising can lift your mood and still leave you tired AI representation/ChatGPT A 2020 study titled Sociable behavior is related to later fatigue: Moment-to-moment patterns of behavior and tiredness, examined the relationship between everyday social behaviour and fatigue. Researcher Sointu Leikas studied 74 participants using experience-sampling methods, collecting 1,046 observations of their behaviour and feelings. Participants reported how sociable and talkative they had been and how they felt at different points during the day. The findings showed that people tended to feel more tired two to three hours after behaving in a more sociable, outgoing way. This relationship remained even after the researchers accounted for earlier fatigue and other factors. Importantly, the study did not suggest that socialising is bad for well-being. Being sociable was also associated with a better mood at the time. The findings point to something more nuanced: an interaction can make you feel good while still requiring energy that you notice later. This may help explain why someone can enjoy dinner with friends and still look forward to getting home. The enjoyment and the tiredness are not mutually exclusive. Why a cancelled plan can feel like a weight lifted A social outing involves more than the time spent with other people. There may be preparation, travel, decisions about what to wear, coordinating with others and adjusting to a busy environment. Even a relaxed dinner can require attention and conversation for several hours. If you have already had a demanding workday, managed family responsibilities or attended other social events, another commitment may feel like more than you can comfortably take on. When the plan is cancelled, those demands disappear. The relief may come from getting back some control over your time and having an opportunity to rest. This is an interpretation of the research on social fatigue, rather than a finding directly tested in a study of cancelled plans. Researchers have not established that feeling relieved when an outing is called off is a reliable sign of social exhaustion. There is also research showing that people can experience social contact and solitude as competing needs. A 2023 study examined the effects of eight hours of social isolation. In a laboratory experiment involving 30 women, researchers found that isolation reduced participants' reported energy and increased fatigue. A separate field study involving 87 adults during the Covid-19 lockdown found a similar drop in energy among people who lived alone or reported higher sociability. The research suggests that social contact is an important human need. But it does not mean that people should be socialising constantly. The amount of interaction someone wants and the amount they can comfortably manage at a particular time may differ. It does not mean you dislike your friends Photo: Canva Feeling relieved when plans fall through does not automatically mean you are avoiding people or losing interest in a friendship. It may simply mean that you wanted the connection but not the effort involved that day. It is also worth noticing whether this happens occasionally or almost every time. If you feel relieved because you have had a particularly busy week, a quieter evening may be exactly what you need. If you regularly dread meeting people, feel anxious before social situations or withdraw even when you want company, there may be other reasons worth exploring. A 2023 study surveyed 1,192 people about cancelling social plans. It examined how people feel when friends cancel and what they consider acceptable reasons for doing so. It did not study the relief experienced by the person whose plans are cancelled, but it highlights how social commitments also involve expectations and the effort of maintaining friendships. What to do when you notice this feeling If you recognise this reaction, you do not have to stop making plans or force yourself to attend every outing. Instead, pay attention to what leaves you feeling drained. - Check your energy before committing: If you have had a demanding week, consider whether you genuinely have the time and energy for another outing. - Leave gaps between plans: Avoid filling every evening or weekend with commitments. Some unplanned time can help you recover. - Choose shorter meet-ups: You can enjoy seeing friends without committing to an entire evening. A coffee or a quick meal may feel more manageable. - Be honest about what you need: If you want to meet someone but need a quieter day, suggest another time rather than repeatedly cancelling at the last minute. - Notice the pattern: If you feel relieved every time you avoid social contact, even with people you care about, consider whether stress, anxiety or persistent exhaustion is playing a role. The important thing is to separate how you feel about people from how much energy you have available. You can miss your friends, enjoy their company and still need an evening to yourself. Those feelings can exist together.