'In a rut after only three years and need more fun'

Dear Coleen, I feel like I’m in a relationship rut with my partner of three years. We moved in together this time last year and things have gone downhill. We used to do a lot together – dinners, drinks, the cinema, going on trips – now we come home after work, have dinner, watch telly and go to bed. Sex has become less frequent, too, and feels like it’s a special occasion. We’re in our early-30s, but it feels like we’re an old married couple and that we’ve been together for decades instead of just three years. When we met, there was so much sexual chemistry and the relationship was fun, but now it’s dull and predictable and I don’t know how to get out of the rut. I know things need to change for us to survive, but I find it very hard to initiate the conversation where we acknowledge that. We love each other, so there’s no doubts on that score, but I know that’s not enough. I need some things to look forward to in our future instead of this apathy and I need more joy in my life. Can you help? Coleen says, The only way to get any movement forward is to have that discussion. Don’t overthink it – start with the positives, then say you need to be mindful of not slipping into “not-making-an-effort mode” now you’re living together. When you love someone and trust them, it’s easy to start to take each other for granted, but relationships at all stages take work. I’ve always found it can help to talk about when you started dating and remembering how you felt during those first heady days, and then do something about it. Make the time for each other, plan things to do together, then intimacy and sexual chemistry should start to flourish again. If you want more romance, then initiate it – book a dinner or a night away, or send that flirty text. You don’t have to wait for him to do it – lead by example and get the ball rolling. Maybe it’s also time to talk about the future – where do you see yourselves in two years or five years and what are your hopes and dreams? Get excited about the possibilities. You don’t have to come home every night and sit in front of the telly. You can change the narrative. Coleen’s words of wisdom It’s important to try as many things as you can in your life. None of it is a waste of time because it all leads to finding what you truly love and who you were meant to be all along.