'My sexless marriage is a prison sentence - husband refuses to answer one question'

'My husband won't talk about our failing marriage - it feels like a prison sentence' Agony aunt Coleen Nolan advises a reader who knows there are issues with her marriage but is starting to resent her husband for not addressing them and ignoring the problems Dear Coleen My husband and I are both 40, we don't have children – it just never happened for us – and have been together for 10 years. I'm sick of pretending our relationship is OK and can't face another decade of the same old thing. We're a good team, we like the same things and get on well, but there's no affection and sex is a rare occurrence. We're like friends with (occasional) benefits. He's always been very selfish and cut off, and whenever I try to be affectionate, he tenses up or pushes me away. The constant rejection is soul-destroying and being together seems pointless. It seems that he'd rather ignore the elephant in the room and carry on, like our marriage is some kind of prison sentence to be endured. He's so bad at communicating and being honest about how he feels. If I do try to talk about our relationship, he gets irritated and sulks, which can go on for days, and until things slowly get back to 'normal'. I find the way he reacts to things so childish and I'm really starting to resent him. What's going to change things and how can I get through to him? Coleen says You mention children not happening for you and I wonder if this was a long-held dream that you had to give up on. And maybe the end of that dream has left you a bit directionless and wondering how you move forward as a couple. It's something to consider and maybe you haven't really faced this disappointment together and talked about what your future looks like without kids. Maybe that's another elephant in the room. I do understand how difficult it is when a partner won't open up and have the conversations that could help you to figure out what to do. It might sound crazy when you live with someone, but writing a letter to them can be a good way of breaking down the barrier, it's something I've done in the past. Start by saying that you want to talk, and you know he finds it hard, but you can't keep ignoring the problems in your marriage and, if you can't discuss it and come up with ways to make things better, then you can't carry on. Be really honest about how you feel. I certainly felt better for writing everything down. The bottom line is, you can't fix something on your own. You could suggest counselling, but unless he's willing to engage, you have a tough choice to make. Good luck. Coleen's words of wisdom Cherish that person who makes you feel lighter and good about yourself when you talk to them. The type of person who accepts you for who you are and offers kindness and support instead of judgement. Invest in that friendship.