BOFH: Smells like team spirit

CRISIS! The ancient computer in the basement – which has something to do with our waste water system – has stopped. And while we may not know exactly what it does when it's running, we definitely know what happens when it stops. The PFY and I took a look, and while (in theory) it's possible that we could fire up a replacement machine, I can pretty much guarantee the two ISA cards, identified only by the markings "#1" and "#2", will cause a problem. This is definitely one of those situations where the buck stops elsewhere... ... "What does it mean?" the Boss asks. "It means that by tomorrow evening – if you're parking in the basement – you'll want waterproof shoes, and by the following evening, a pair of waders." "And an incinerator to burn your shoes in," the PFY adds. "So what should I do?" the Boss whines. "In your situation, I'd probably pass problem up the food chain..." I suggest. ... And up the food chain it goes, like a newspaper-wrapped turd pass-the-parcel game, going from the Boss to the Director, to the Head of HR, who buckpasses it to the CEO, who in turn farms it off to the Board for a committee decision. ... The next day I notice an unpleasantly familiar aroma in the fresh air feed to the lower floors of the building. A smell which will only get worse in the next day or two as if creeps up the building... On getting to the office, I note a couple of old blokes at reception having a quiet word with the Boss. Moments later, he calls me over. "Simon, this is, uh, Frank, and uh, Brian. They're IT troubleshooters, here to look at that machine, in the basement..." By the look of Frank and Brian I suspect the majority of their troubleshooting was done with a musket and their first job was likely switching computer time from BC to AD. They're wearing '90s band T-shirts under their sports jackets - no doubt in an effort to offset the "geriatric" vibe. In reality, though, the vibe they're actually putting off is less hipster and more hip replacement... "They just want to go take a look," the Boss says. "Do you have the keys?" A quarter hour later they're back, chatting to the Boss again. "So what did 'Age Against the Machine' and 'Clinically Deaf Leppard' have to say?" I ask, when the Boss pops into Mission Control a few minutes later. "They said the PC is totally shot," the Boss admits. "Well, glad we got some experts in," I reply. We're interrupted by the arrival of Simon and Oldfunkle. "We don't really think you need the PC," Frank says. "The sump is just a standard float tree arrangement with a couple of variable-speed pumps," Frank explains. "Variable speed MACERATING pumps," Brian adds. "Yeah," Frank continues. "So the PC was just sensing the levels and switching the pumps on. We can do all that with a bog-standard pump controller. It could be wirelessly networked to raise a high and low level alarms as well as signal pump failures. We'll probably need to pull the small sub-board out and install a new board with a couple of VFDs in it." Well color me surprised! I was planning to ask them when lock-up at their care-home is, but I'm starting to feel like I might be in the presence of actual experts... "That sounds... expensive?" the Boss asks. "Yeah, but it's surprising how much money people are willing to spend when they're knee deep in sewerage," Brian observes. "Well... uh... can you walk me through the plan. And maybe while we're at it you can fill in the Job Safety Analysis form, the Insurance Liability forms and a personal safety waiver?" The Boss and Shawl and Oats disappear back down to the basement, and within 15 minutes they're back, only without the Boss. "How's that JSA going?" I ask. "Oh, your Boss is going to stay downstairs till it's done," Frank replies. "I seriously doubt that," I counter, knowing the Boss hates filling in paperwork almost as much as he hates accountability. "Oh, I think he will," Brian says, holding up a pair of doorhandles. "So... you've locked him in the room with the sump. The very room that will be the first to experience the overflow?" "Yes. We thought that would motivate him to streamline the paperwork." "Well, you know what my assistant and I are obliged to do?" I sigh. "What's that?" Frank asks. "Pop up to the 6th floor and start flushing toilets." the PFY replies. "We should have that paperwork back within half an hour." "We may need to pop it in the incinerator by that stage," Brian observes. "Sounds like a plan!" I chip in. Always a pleasure to deal with a professional. BOFH: Previous episodes on The Register The Compleat BOFH Archives 95-99